


Why Vorbarr Sultana is NOT Mos Eisley

by Zoya1416



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Gen, Tourism, city guide, tourist wrangling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-23
Updated: 2014-02-23
Packaged: 2018-01-13 12:09:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1225735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya1416/pseuds/Zoya1416
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Recent unpleasant events involving visitors to Vorbarr Sultana (A trip to the capital never ends well, by manateehugger) cause guidelines to be created</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Vorbarr Sultana is NOT Mos Eisley

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A trip to the capital never ends well](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1200409) by [manateehugger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/manateehugger/pseuds/manateehugger). 
  * Inspired by [The role of the Barrayaran military in a new Nexus initiative](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1178940) by [Gwynne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gwynne/pseuds/Gwynne). 



> All Vorkosigan is LMB's.

Recorded for immediate action  
Linden Steigler, interim secretary, Vorbarr Sultana Municipal Guard  
Jen Andersen, Commander VSMG

“'Why Vorbarr Sultana is NOT Mos Eisley?' Stiegler, what is this crap and why am I reading it?”

“Well, sir, a couple of weeks ago Lord Vorpatril was stunned, by a couple of his country cousins as it turned out. They thought Lord Vorpatril was kidnapping the boy, while he was taking his nephew to a bakery. Count Vorkosigan suggested some reassuring handouts for tourists be created. 

“Why are we getting this, then, and not the palace? The Emperor has speechwriters. ”

“Oh, they'll look at this, but they want the municipal guard's ideas, too.”

“And this Mos Eisley? Where is it? Jackson's Whole?”

“No, it's fictional. Said to be a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Which Vorbarr Sultana is not—It was Count Vorkosigan's little joke.”

“Should have said so. Still sounds like they meant Jackson's Whole.”  
Okay, first of all, if you see Ivan Vorpatril driving, which you mostly won't, because he drives like a maniac, please don't chase him. We've got ID cameras now, do they think this is the Age Of Isolation?

“Secondly, if you see a crime being committed, call the—no, go ahead and stun Ivan if you need to. But don't do anything unless you see a life-threatening situation, and this especially goes for visiting firemen.

“Third, we do have bakeries that don't look like a croissant costs 30 marks. Yes, I do know about croissants, my wife got addicted to them when we were in Bonsanklar. Damn glad she found a place here; she was really griping.

“Tourists will read about how the caravanserai is all gentrified, or upmarket, or something, but if you don't pay attention, it's not. We should get them to hire native guides. Somebody who knows as much as Ivan but doesn't drive that way, okay.

“Oh, and some people still ride horses here, so don't be offended if one of them poops in front of you in the park. That's for the station visitors and all the weirdos like Betans who live in domes. Yes, of course they have domes in Komarr, but at least they're trying to better themselves.

“Ask before you play any games in the park. We like horses, but you can't rent a whole stable and “Play polo in the old Ninth Satrapy,” you stupid ghem! And do learn the proper names for the wars!

“Barrayarans have children. Lots of children, there's no law against it, so don't stare at a mother with four kids like she's a—damn zoo exhibit. Too bad the other places can't have them--

“For god's sake, look up Barrayaran dress customs before you come here. We keep having traffic accidents when the Betan sarong girls, or whatevers, come by. Oh, and we're getting wise to those horrible earrings, and they'd better take those off, too.

“Native Barrayaran plants are poisonous! They grow all over here, because they're native, see? They sting, bite, itch, make you cough your lungs out—don't act stupid and touch anything red. Or orange. Or pink. Even if it looks very pretty-- or—tell them to go see Lady Vorkosigan's nasty garden if they want to. Of course, it's very cultural, I know, but that garden gives me the creeps. I'm allergic to half the stuff there. Really, this should be first. And remind them about first aid, carry antihistamines, etc.

“Carrying around a Marilaccan monkey to light your cigarettes is NOT a therapy animal. 

“We don't have really spas or mud baths or massage parlors (except the bad ones and they should know better than—well, yes, that might be a warning)  
But there are some Betans who are trying to make a go, they could try to find them. Why does everyone who comes from Beta want massages, anyway? You'd think they spent their whole lives laying brick instead of boning anything in three sexes.

“Attractions? Really? Now we're down to the palace's role in this. But if one more person asks me if we really have old Yuri's scalp in a museum and can they go see it, I'm going to get out a big knife and offer to make new scalps right here.

“Actually, you know we shouldn't even have to tell them where the old ImpSec building is, that the Vorkosigan clone, yeah, okay, we're all so PC these days—raised halfway and turned into some kind of freak-show hotel. Oh, they've got ads for it all over the Nexus? Little chicken plucker.

“In short, come see Vorbarr Sultana, it's got perfect changes of weather, the river is nice to look at, there are nightclubs—why isn't that Byerly Vorrutyer writing this? He's crawled out of all of them and we've had to scrape him up.

“And anything else you want to put in. Just fix it up for me to review—tomorrow.  
I know it's the weekend. This is a good job and if you want to go back to the community centers—oh, that's another thing. We do have community centers with all sorts of squirrelly activities if they're going to be here long—oh, you were already putting that in, good initiative. Tomorrow.

“Oh, and start off with telling them Barrayar IS a planet! It has open spaces—that's what being a planet is about. If they're going to hyperventilate, they can stay at the spaceport hotels.”

===========

For Review by Commander Jen Andersen

From Linden Stiegler, interim secretary VSMG

VORBARRA SULTANA—JEWEL OF THE BARRAYARAN EMPIRE

Welcome to our Crown City! This historic metropolis has something for everyone, whether you're here for recreation or business. This guide is provided to maximize the pleasure of your stay with us.

Visitors from stations or domed worlds may be most comfortable with our open spaces if they acclimate slowly. A fine selection of hotels is available at the spaceport, with modern conference facilities. Tours of the city in covered ground cars with knowledgeable tour agents are available.

Groundcar and lightflier rental are available for properly licensed visitors over aged 25. Speed limits are enforced with camera-capture. 

Our city is a galactic metropolis of the first order, and to reduce misunderstandings, please refer to these guidelines:

For emergencies, please press 911 on your screen or telephone. Vorbarr Sultana has a concealed carry law: no one may carry weapons without a concealed carry permit. If you need a permit, please obtain it prior to your visit.

Vorbarr Sultana has many excellent restaurants and nightclubs. We encourage visitors to tour the city on foot to experience the many hidden eateries available. The city's east side is undergoing a major renascence and reconstruction, and we've provided a map of the safest areas for tourists.

As a culture with a proud equestrian history, we have a wide variety of equestrian activities available. All riders must show documentation of skills before renting horses. Many training classes are available for the non-rider—why not learn this exciting sport now?

All riders must wear helmets at all times. Gallops through city bridle trails are not permitted at any time. Walking and hiking trails are provided separate from the bridlepaths.

Riders who desire more vigorous activities should check with one of our local saddleries. 

Barrayar is a planet which is expanding and growing. As such, there are no laws regulating family size. As you travel through the city, please be respectful to our parents. We are also a conservative culture and appreciate moderate dress and adornments.

Service animal rules are posted at each building, and a full list is at your hotel.

Barrayar has lush vegetation in stunning colors from light pinks and reds through golden tones. Our vigorous plants are beautiful backdrops for photography, but not suitable to touch, pick or collect. They have adapted fascinating, sometimes quite strong, ways of self-protection. Very rarely, they may provoke respiratory problems, so persons with allergies should exercise special cautions.

The Barrayaran Garden is next to historic Vorkosigan House, and was designed by Lady Vorkosigan. No reservation is necessary to visit it.

In general, health spa and massage facilities are limited to the major hotels, and have only recently been available in the city at large. Each city accredited health spa facility will be so designated in your comconsole.

Vorbarr Sultana is the oldest city on the planet, and has many educational museums available. (flier included) Museums at Vortarhung Castle are open T-F, 11Am-2 PM., for conducted tours only. When the Council of Counts is in session, the museums are closed, but the sparkling colors of our sixty district's flags will delight you!

Long term visitors to our capital may enjoy our fine community centers, with gyms, pools, exercise rooms, sports facilities, and recreational activities from archery to yoga.

Hand to hand combat training, as well as the defensive martial arts, is available.

ENJOY OUR BEAUTIFUL SCENERY FOR A DAY, A WEEK, OR A LIFETIME! PLEASE INFORM YOUR HOTEL IF YOU WISH INFORMATION ABOUT EMIGRATION.

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS MUNICIPAL CITY GUIDE, AND HELPING US HELP YOU BETTER ENJOY YOUR STAY IN BARRAYAR'S CROWN JEWEL!


End file.
